Everything that's happening right now...

At the end of the day,  I MUST choose me

In case you wondered...

I had to start prioritizing my health. Quality of life becomes paramount when you've got a chronic illness.  It's as simple and complex as that. 

MY choices

Truth...

Wanna learn something about one of my chronic illnesses?

Information you'll never want to need

Can I just say I feel a bit overwhelmed every time I check the boxes on ALL the textbook symptoms of my illness.  It feels validating in that my seemingly "invisible" symptoms are goddamned real even if YOU (yes, you. I know what you've said behind my back) can't see them.  It also feels shitty because I can no longer pretend just "one more lifestyle change" will heal this shït illness.  I've been ill for just about 14 years (mid March 2021 will be 14 yrs since the onset) but I've learned more about it in the last 3 or 4 years,  than in the first decade after diagnosis, largely due to social media.  Im grateful I have access to this age of information, because I feel more in control of (those largely uncontrollable aspects) my life when I have all the information, good or bad... 

It's been ...

The last 'gathering' was march 13th. My grandma's funeral,  in case you wonder. I was late. Long drive,  muddied with delays.  I was already in a flare,  so the 2.5 hr drive was torturous. Arrived late, sat down, ten minutes later,  it was over. 💔 Got back in the car for the return ride home.  Threw up all the way home.  (Sorry, Sam, for that memory) Never really processed the loss.  I'm just now realizing. 😢

Since that day,  there's been nothing.  I haven't seen my dad face to face since the funeral. He's over 70. I don't know when it'll be safe to see him.  

Gatherings are no longer.  

March 13: My son closed on his first home.  I've yet to see it. 

April: 

My baby turned 18. Zero fanfare. 

My firstborn turned 30.

 We last saw one another Christmas '19. 

May:

*Mothers Day and my Birthday

*My baby graduates high school,  without ever returning from spring break in early March. Zero fanfare. 

September:

 Daughter turns 29

October: 

My son's wedding was supposed to be in October.  It's now going to be next year. 

 We're now approaching yet another 'holiday' that won't be celebrated as in the past.  

No wonder I feel this way.