being chronically ill means...

After 17 years of trying, it's clear there's no amount of preparation that can ward off a flare. 

I'm still trying to tolerate staying upright for any length of time. I rested for an entire day and it doesn't seem to have made any impact. 

In my desperate effort to feel 'productive' as opposed to a real life zombie I scheduled this post. It was ready to go, so it's not as big an accomplishment as you may imagine.

Some days (most often due to days like this)

I feel scared that my future is filed with countless days of fighting to exist. I'm unable to find the why. I'm not unaware I'm one of a million who has this experience. This doesn't feel fair. For anyone.

It's not as though a person signs up (and clearly there's no compensation) for chronic illness or disability. At it's worst, it's very difficult to even cope. I didn't realize I'd have to work so hard to hold my EMOTIONAL baseline to get thru the shitty days. 

I just want to spend time with people who want to spend time with me.