TRANSPARENCY WITH AN INVISIBLE ILLNESS

11 years. Hiding my illness as much as possible. (Sometimes the face cannot mask my pain). All that struggle. Not just the struggle to get thru each day with an illness for which there is NO cure, NO real treatment... but the struggle to cover the real me. I thought I was protecting my family and friends from the full impact of this wretched fucking life, but it didn't work. In fact, I suspect all the "pushing through the day" bullshit I was trying to do, was causing more severe "flares" than I'd likely have had, but with this particular illness, push back is inevitable. And the illness ALWAYS wins. 

The onset of ME was sudden. I had a shoulder stabilization on my left arm in March 2007. Outpatient procedure, I arrived at Fairview Southdale in the early morning, went home with a completely numb arm, bandaged and pain control on board. 

Mid-March, I got an upper respiratory illness. I assumed, as one does, that it was viral, so I treated symptoms, and prepared to wait it out. After a week or so, my fever broke, and I felt that by morning, I'd begin feeling better. 

My fever was gone a few days, and returned with a vengeance. I still felt as though I had been hit by a truck, coughing around the clock, sleeping, chills and sweat alternating. Time to reassess. It was decided that a round of antibiotics was warranted. I completed them, the cough decreased as expected. 

My life had changed in an instant, I was yet unaware. 

Even after taking all of the meds, I could NOT shake the "flu" feeling. I was struggling to regulate my body temp, I continued to watch my temp several times daily, watching for a fever relapse to explain the awful way I felt. I kept running a low grade temp, on and off several times daily, but it just wouldn't stay away. I had chills and hot flashes continuously. My body was betraying me. 

At this time, I was working on a power point presentation for a class I was taking. I somehow got picked to be the leader of our group, which immediately SHOVED me out of my comfort zone. I prefer to be invisible in this situation. Little did I know just how ironic that would become. I now wear the badge of one diagnosed with what is known as an "invisible illness" because the illness is severe, but a stranger would never know of your suffering by looking at you. Stranger my ASS, even close friends and family can be oblivious, as I have proven to myself over the past 11 years...

(to be continued...)

I have struggled over several weeks to get this far in the story. I'm doing this because I finally have decided that I'm just going to be transparent about my journey. I had a lightbulb moment, recognizing that if I'm going to spend the rest of my life with this affliction, I cannot hide any more. I've not sought support because I feel like a burden. I have to change my mindset, because it's reducing my quality of life.