when I can't

I'm not sleeping. My right hip is burning. When I try to walk, or stand too long, there's a nerve getting pinched, and the result is a SEARING BURN, that shoots down my leg. No warning, just that fucking zing, and the hip threatens to give out.  I'm finding my 'hammer' a very necessary tool right now. Where else but here at 3 a.m. might I admit that I'm feeling a mighty case of the "woe-is-me" bullshit. Knowing it's bullshit doesn't stop it from flooding my mind when I'm feeling low. My conditions are degenerative, which means that the most painful joints are the most damaged. Worn out. Those words are haunting. I'm just over 50, but I'm struggling to keep up. I need to remain mobile, I accept that in order to DO that, I'll need the recommended mobility aids. But really? A walker now, because the hammer is no longer sufficient? Is it okay to feel a bit of self pity now and then? It makes me feel such shame.
 The most difficult lesson I've learned is that although it's MY brain, and there's such a thing as mind over matter, my brain also has a mind of it's OWN, and that boggles me... **If you weren't aware before this entry, I suffer with an anxiety disorder. When Richard was killed, it doubled down. The ranch fiasco kicked everything into overdrive. ** So, while I can TELL my brain that a panic attack is not a 'real' threat, my brain decides not to listen to logic, and the anxiety parties on. That's what is happening right now. 
I'm AWARE that having scoliosis, degenerative disk, and spinal stenosis, will all contribute to the demise of my back and neck, but is it fair that I'm 52 fucking years old, and very aware I may be losing the fragile bit of  mobility remaining? It's happening so quickly, I'm claustrophobic. 
Please don't remind me that you "feel terrible" for me, I already know it. Who would rejoice this? 
I have to get it out, whether anyone sees this. It's a safe space for me... especially when I'm paralyzed with a fresh or long running fear, especially since I'm mostly unable to reach out to those around me. I live with the knowledge that (barring a medical miracle, or ten) I'll forever be completely dependent on my husband, my children, the govt... that's a big reality pill to swallow. No matter who you are. There are others exactly like me... if this might help a single one of them, it's worth the transparency.

Simple

I've found VERY quickly that many people are confused about my "new" self... 

What they're NOT understanding is that this isn't a fucking fad, I'm not trying to make a statement, etc. 

When I hit my 50th birthday, I suddenly realized I had been diagnosed a full decade prior with ME/CFS...

Upon reflection, I DECIDED that with the limited daily energy my body allows, I CAN NOT, and WILL NOT, spend that coveted energy on the BULLSHIT any more. It's a conscious decision, and I'm working REALLY hard to honor myself by no longer wasting a precious commodity that healthy people (I know this is true~ I WAS one of 'those people') take for granted. 

I've spent much of my energy on things that matter so little to me now. cleaning the house, doing laundry, washing dishes, cooking dinner, etc... have been significantly altered on my priority scale. 

I am aware that having my body essentially fight itself from the inside out has likely reduced the life expectancy for me. I decided I want to spend my energy doing things that ENRICH my life rather than reduce it. Simple as that. (yeah right, huh? nothing's ever simple, I'm still needing occasional self-reminders to keep practicing this behavior)

So, when we moved into this rental after the catastrophic betrayal at the ranch, I began to sort through every belonging I had. I began to question whether any of those belongings either enriched, or harmed, my life. And I began to purge. And purge. And purge. 

I've been brought to an almost blissful mental state on the better days. (The REAL secret to life: rid body of rx meds, artificially scented anything, chemical cleaners, most commercial products for your skin/house/body then begin cannabis use!) I look around and see SO MUCH MORE simplicity. 

MAY 01

I'm allowed to grieve for my life before illness...

if I focus on that that grief, I'll drown. I'm focused on the shoreline... 

next chapter:

Chronic Illness (I have several, although I talk the most about M.E. because it's impact has been the largest presence) has forced me to re-evaluate EVERYTHING (and everyone) in my life... 

I've been becoming who I need to be for this next chapter. 

after the short break, I'm back on track. (I hope...)

So. I have been unwell. The flip/flop weather makes my body ANGRY. I've been stressing over it as well, which certainly delays improvement, but sometimes I sink a bit, and struggle to get out of my own head... I'm working hard to get all of this stuff sold, please bear with me. 

I'm going to be uploading more items beginning today. Please share if you know anyone LOCAL (Delano, Mn) who might be interested in ANYTHING I've listed....

The unveiling begins

That sounds especially dramatic, when in truth, I'm merely describing the GIANT effort made over the past several months to gather, sort, categorize, catalog, inventory, organize, blah blah blah. (I'm definitely a "wordie"... don't get me started.)
Here's the project. I'm selling everything I have amassed, it appears for me, they no longer spark joy. I've been taking pics, folding, sizing, and making 'lots' of items for sale, (of course, this is local pickup only) and hoping I'm able to clear the space soon. 
I'm trying to decide the best way to spread these without being intrusive, but truth is, there's a need to sell everything as quickly as possible, because I'm doing this to pay my medical expenses. My monthly healthcare needs are placing an enormous strain on our family financially. 
Check back frequently, I'll create a post and continue to update as I feel well enough to do so. PLEASE be patient. My illness is a dictator. 

winter in Minnesota

 Winter in Minnesota. 

Also winter in Minnesota

Also winter (indoors) in Minnesota