Survival mode was never a choice....

What you don't seem to understand is that survival mode was never a choice.  My chronic illnesses make the rules. 

I know what role you played... and so do you

Time for a brain dump~ This won't make sense to anyone but the squirrels in my head 😏

Two conflicting things can be true at the same time.  

I can be desperate to escape my current reality,  and still have good memories from the past.  The real reason it seems like I'm not talking about the "good times" is because I'm actually stuck in the bad times. But my kids are the only thing I've done that I can claim any amount of success.  So I can't fathom feeling regret on the journey to having them. 

Things can change,  and trauma can cause a person to become someone you no longer recognize. 

That's a neutral statement, I'm aware who has caused harm to you,  although that's not an excuse for your cruelty toward people who didn't hurt you. 

Truth is,  the loss of my brother forced me into growth that's not subsided since. 

I'm unlearning everything it seems. It's the most phenomenal, bittersweet thing I've ever experienced. It's also teaching some painful lessons. Not everyone wants to grow. So many people fade into the shadows, even as I silently begged them to stay. I'm only responsible for myself,  so I can't keep anyone who doesn't want to be kept.  It feels lonely sometimes.  

I just know it's going to get better.  I survived my childhood,  I can survive this hardship.  😌

This applies to all of your relationships ...

to whom it may concern:

If our energy isn't reciprocal,  then I'm out.  If you cannot or will not grow,  I'm not wasting any more energy on us. ✌️

Sincerely, this FORMER people pleaser 

Oh, the audacity of your opinion 🙄

I'm doing the best I can with what I've got. If YOU think my illness is annoying,  imagine LIVING IN THIS BODY. 

Get your PhD before you decide you know better than my doctors.  

Oh, the audacity 😖 of your opinion when you can't even NAME my conditions.  

Just stop. 

I'll still be over here with my 😷 ...

What surprises me is that even KNOWING I've had a post viral illness (very much like long covid) for almost 16 years,  you still don't think I know about what I speak.  

Ignorance isn't bliss,  it's just ignorance..

While you fight to BE right,  I'm fighting for WHAT'S right.  

Your scorn won't change a thing.  

Your discomfort with MY precautions says much more about you than it says about me... 🤷‍♀️

October

I feel dangerously close to being homeless. I can't even believe it's come to this. It feels like all the effort over the past 25 years was all for naught. What do I do with that?