Monday, October 29, 2018

It's been almost a month; I'm still struggling

Koko died October 3rd. She was 11. This is the 3rd fur baby to whom I've said goodbye. She was a significant presence since I got sick. She was, in fact, a gift for my 40th birthday. I had been ill, not realizing I'd NEVER GET BETTER, for several weeks when we brought her home. With her birth Feb 3rd, she was ready to come home in April; at that point I'd been ill for almost a month. I still expected to recover fully.
When I did not, Koko was there, seemingly equipped with the support I didn't even know I'd be needing. We spent the next 11 3/4 years together. We each had an ongoing battle for our own health.
Koko spent her life dealing with an endocrine malfunction. She struggled with pseudo~pregnancy, bloating, intermittent hair loss, anxiety. After having a single litter of 5, she got an inter~uterine infection and had a hysterectomy.
That little sprite was a force of her own. I miss her a lot.
Her passing snapped into focus the fact that she fought an invisible enemy since very close to the time I was diagnosed. We were kindred spirits. And her body wore out. I don't feel like I had enough time with her. I also feel a large void due to the fact that she was my therapy dog. It's been said that animals are very sensitive to humans being ill. I can attest to the truth in that. Koko slept closer, became quieter, whenever I was having a flare, or a crash. She spent her entire lifetime caring for me. And I, for her. We were a good team.
If her illness shortened her life, what can I expect for mine?
I've learned to live with my condition, but the what ifs? never seem to stop. I continue to find acceptance; I continue to grieve.
RIP Koko Bella Bambina
I love you!

1 comment:

  1. Hi Becky!
    Sorry you lost dear Koko. She was such a sweetheart...And sorry it took me so long to respond, I've been meaning to... Unfortunately, it's been a roller-coaster ride for us, since Dean came down suddenly with advanced heart failure this year. He,too,seems to be going through the acceptance stage of dealing with his progressive illness and his uncertain future. I just want to tell you that I'm sorry that you have to go through all this pain. I've never doubted what you are going through. I,too,have had back pain issues since 2004 that is getting progressively worse with time, but not at the extent of what you have. Most people cannot understand the pain, fatigue, and limitations you go through, unless it happens to them. Human nature, I guess. Living with chronic pain and severe health issues is not for the weak!
    Becky, whether you realize it or not, you are one of the stronger people, no matter what anyone else thinks. ��