Thursday, October 10, 2019

are you okay?

If you began to date a man, who immediately stuck a copy of " The 48 Laws Of Power" into your hands, and insisted you must study and learn them like a college student... including heavy HIGHLIGHTER use...would that be weird? Asking for a frenemy...

Monday, August 5, 2019

Did you KNOW this about birds...?

So, today I was able to personally confirm the urban legend regarding birds, and their offspring. (This is kinda cool, very sneaky, but cool, nonetheless.)
I got a few pics of said event as well. Check it out. 
Here's the youngster. Guess the bird!
 And here's "daddy" feeding the youngster! Dad's a cardinal! 
Spoiler: Youngster is NOT a cardinal!
 There are certain birds that will lay their eggs in another bird's nest, so the host will hatch and raise the babies for them! 











Thanks for stopping. Have a great day!

Friday, July 19, 2019

when I can't

I'm not sleeping. My right hip is burning. When I try to walk, or stand too long, there's a nerve getting pinched, and the result is a SEARING BURN, that shoots down my leg. No warning, just that fucking zing, and the hip threatens to give out.  I'm finding my 'hammer' a very necessary tool right now. Where else but here at 3 a.m. might I admit that I'm feeling a mighty case of the "woe-is-me" bullshit. Knowing it's bullshit doesn't stop it from flooding my mind when I'm feeling low. My conditions are degenerative, which means that the most painful joints are the most damaged. Worn out. Those words are haunting. I'm just over 50, but I'm struggling to keep up. I need to remain mobile, I accept that in order to DO that, I'll need the recommended mobility aids. But really? A walker now, because the hammer is no longer sufficient? Is it okay to feel a bit of self pity now and then? It makes me feel such shame.
 The most difficult lesson I've learned is that although it's MY brain, and there's such a thing as mind over matter, my brain also has a mind of it's OWN, and that boggles me... **If you weren't aware before this entry, I suffer with an anxiety disorder. When Richard was killed, it doubled down. The ranch fiasco kicked everything into overdrive. ** So, while I can TELL my brain that a panic attack is not a 'real' threat, my brain decides not to listen to logic, and the anxiety parties on. That's what is happening right now. 
I'm AWARE that having scoliosis, degenerative disk, and spinal stenosis, will all contribute to the demise of my back and neck, but is it fair that I'm 52 fucking years old, and very aware I may be losing the fragile bit of  mobility remaining? It's happening so quickly, I'm claustrophobic. 
Please don't remind me that you "feel terrible" for me, I already know it. Who would rejoice this? 
I have to get it out, whether anyone sees this. It's a safe space for me... especially when I'm paralyzed with a fresh or long running fear, especially since I'm mostly unable to reach out to those around me. I live with the knowledge that (barring a medical miracle, or ten) I'll forever be completely dependent on my husband, my children, the govt... that's a big reality pill to swallow. No matter who you are. There are others exactly like me... if this might help a single one of them, it's worth the transparency.

Friday, June 28, 2019

Simple

I've found VERY quickly that many people are confused about my "new" self... 
What they're NOT understanding is that this isn't a fucking fad, I'm not trying to make a statement, etc. 
When I hit my 50th birthday, I suddenly realized I had been diagnosed a full decade prior with ME/CFS...
Upon reflection, I DECIDED that with the limited daily energy my body allows, I CAN NOT, and WILL NOT, spend that coveted energy on the BULLSHIT any more. It's a conscious decision, and I'm working REALLY hard to honor myself by no longer wasting a precious commodity that healthy people (I know this is true~ I WAS one of 'those people') take for granted. 
I've spent much of my energy on things that matter so little to me now. cleaning the house, doing laundry, washing dishes, cooking dinner, etc... have been significantly altered on my priority scale. 
I am aware that having my body essentially fight itself from the inside out has likely reduced the life expectancy for me. I decided I want to spend my energy doing things that ENRICH my life rather than reduce it. Simple as that. (yeah right, huh? nothing's ever simple, I'm still needing occasional self-reminders to keep practicing this behavior)
So, when we moved into this rental after the catastrophic betrayal at the ranch, I began to sort through every belonging I had. I began to question whether any of those belongings either enriched, or harmed, my life. And I began to purge. And purge. And purge. 
I've been brought to an almost blissful mental state on the better days. (The REAL secret to life: rid body of rx meds, artificially scented anything, chemical cleaners, most commercial products for your skin/house/body then begin cannabis use!) I look around and see SO MUCH MORE simplicity. 

Thursday, May 23, 2019

ONLINE SALE UPDATE.... ORIGINAL POST MARCH 5TH


PURPLE PRINT BACKPACK, NEW WITH TAGS


PRO SALAD SHOOTER, COMPLETE SET INCLUDING MANUAL
CONDITION: LIKE NEW


PIER 1 IMPORTS ASST SCENTS AND SCENT BURNER







ORANGE BACKPACK STYLE TOTE PURSE BAG 5.00








PALACE PET, NEW IN BOX, MAGIC DANCE PUMPKIN



MEMBER'S MARK WHITE PLASTIC SPOONS, SEE PIC, ALMOST FULL ...


MEMBER'S MARK, WHITE PLASTIC FORKS, 2 PARTIAL PACKAGES, 
ONE IS LESS THAN HALF, 
THE SECOND PKG HAS OVER 80 PERCENT.... 




SUNBEAM BRAND... HEALTH AT HOME... CUSHIONED MASSAGER MAT 





HOMEDICS BRAND SHIATSU MASSAGING CUSHION
IN LIKE NEW CONDITION
**PURCHASED FOR ME AFTER DIAGNOSIS OF CHRONIC ILLNESS, BUT FOUND MY BODY CANNOT TOLERATE THE MASSAGE WITH MY MEDICAL CONDITION**




BLUEBERRY BRAND DOG HARNESS, 
TURQUOISE, SIZE LARGE, NEW WITH TAG




ASST LOT YANKEE CANDLES, NEW, AVON SKINS SO SOFT BATH GEL, ASST BATH AND BODY WORKS PRODUCTS
 SEE PICS