I'm not sleeping. My right hip is burning. When I try to walk, or stand too long, there's a nerve getting pinched, and the result is a SEARING BURN, that shoots down my leg. No warning, just that fucking zing, and the hip threatens to give out. I'm finding my 'hammer' a very necessary tool right now. Where else but here at 3 a.m. might I admit that I'm feeling a mighty case of the "woe-is-me" bullshit. Knowing it's bullshit doesn't stop it from flooding my mind when I'm feeling low. My conditions are degenerative, which means that the most painful joints are the most damaged. Worn out. Those words are haunting. I'm just over 50, but I'm struggling to keep up. I need to remain mobile, I accept that in order to DO that, I'll need the recommended mobility aids. But really? A walker now, because the hammer is no longer sufficient? Is it okay to feel a bit of self pity now and then? It makes me feel such shame.
The most difficult lesson I've learned is that although it's MY brain, and there's such a thing as mind over matter, my brain also has a mind of it's OWN, and that boggles me... **If you weren't aware before this entry, I suffer with an anxiety disorder. When Richard was killed, it doubled down. The ranch fiasco kicked everything into overdrive. ** So, while I can TELL my brain that a panic attack is not a 'real' threat, my brain decides not to listen to logic, and the anxiety parties on. That's what is happening right now.
I'm AWARE that having scoliosis, degenerative disk, and spinal stenosis, will all contribute to the demise of my back and neck, but is it fair that I'm 52 fucking years old, and very aware I may be losing the fragile bit of mobility remaining? It's happening so quickly, I'm claustrophobic.
Please don't remind me that you "feel terrible" for me, I already know it. Who would rejoice this?
I have to get it out, whether anyone sees this. It's a safe space for me... especially when I'm paralyzed with a fresh or long running fear, especially since I'm mostly unable to reach out to those around me. I live with the knowledge that (barring a medical miracle, or ten) I'll forever be completely dependent on my husband, my children, the govt... that's a big reality pill to swallow. No matter who you are. There are others exactly like me... if this might help a single one of them, it's worth the transparency.