Wednesday, September 12, 2018

I'm a bit broken, but I'm still ALIVE!

As one does when left to their own devices, for many hours of each day, I've pondered my condition more than I'm comfortable admitting, but it's not always a pity party. There's still a muthafuckin' Taurus in here, I am NOT about to just accept a life sentence without a bit of push back. 
That's led to MANY small steps to improve my health, whether or not it magically heals me. 
(spoiler alert: nothing "cured" me... magic is an illusion)
July 2017, I weaned off of ALL Rx pain medicines, and since, have used only cannabis and essential oils for pain management. (That's my SUPER POWER) 

When I was learning to live with this fuckfest, I initially tried to consume more coffee to increase my energy levels (didn't work at ALL) and to try and be more alert. At first, I did not realize the brain fog was here to stay. I thought it was connected to the onset of this illness, but I thought it would level out when my system adapted to being chronically ill. Yeah, that was denial. So, after realizing that the caffeine could not 'help' in any way, I decided that I should just stop putting it in my body. I haven't banned the substance, and I still love the smell of fresh brewed coffee, but I stick mostly to tea now. Better for me, and just as yummy. I drink as much water as I can, even adding those magical essential oils to enhance the flavor. 

This might sound trite, but I am being straight here. If I was back in Elementary School with this level of cognitive deficit, I would have been diagnosed with a moderate learning disability. I often feel trapped in my own head, frustrated because words have ALWAYS come easily to me, and they make me work very hard after 11 years. The worst consequence (in my whiny world) is the fact that I am no longer able to enjoy the newer works of my favorite author, Stephen King. As one who used to inhale his words, I struggle to recall what I've read, and make sense of said words. That's been a struggle. I rely on my Kindle almost as another appendage. But in the past decade, I've been painfully aware of the decline. It's increased in the past 2-3 years, to the point that I struggle to find the word I want when talking. That can be scary, as I did have a leaking brain aneurysm when I was 23, but I'm confident that it's "only" due to my current condition, and not a call for another brain surgery. (haha?)
I've replaced commercial deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, bath products, lotions, perfume. I make my own, using carrier oils, cocoa butter, shea, aloe, beeswax, etc. It's pretty easy to cut out the artificial scents etc. I thought it would be more difficult to sever my relationship with Bath and Body Works products, but it was actually easy. (Well, I had incentive to try and improve my health) 
What's especially interesting is that when I smell those products now, they actually induce headaches, and they overpower my nose. I cannot believe I lathered myself with those chemicals for decades, I've been self-poisoning for years. Yuck. Well, when you know better, you do better. Right?

I've tried to have an open mind when people tell me they have the "perfect" way to cure me. I will try almost anything once, maybe more, if it improves my quality of life. But don't be insulted if I disregard your diagnosis. There's NOT going to be an improvement if I "get outside" more. Nor will I suddenly be healthy if I "think positively" . I know most of this comes from a good place, so I try to be patient, but I admit, I'm only human, I may get a lil salty if you advise me as though you know my body better than my doctors. 

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